Personal Life

March 19, 2025

這段很是苦痛的關係，正是我們所需要的

幾年前，我經歷了一段極為痛苦的關係。

在那段關係的幾年裡，我一直在忍耐：

• 一個從不承認自己有錯，總是把責任推到我身上的人

• 一個顯然想要掌控每個情境的人

• 一個總讓我覺得自己不夠好的人

當然，在那段關係裡，偶爾也是有快樂的時後，但整體而言，時常是感到辛苦的。

那段時間，我的身心靈受到的損害，實在是言語難以形容，每個禮拜都像是走在黑暗的幽谷裡。

突然在某一天，這一段關係就到了盡頭，而人生的道路自然是繼續前行。

快轉一段時間過去，我發現自己又進入到一段極為相似的關係裡頭。

唯一不同的是，我現在看事情的角度不一樣了。

在前一段關係裡，我幾乎每天都在問上帝為何讓這段關係開始。

但在第二段關係裡，我開始打從心底感謝自己能夠再次進入這幽谷，但肯定不是因為自虐或自我貶低的關係。

原因是，惟有藉由這些經歷，我才能更加瞭解，這些至為痛苦的關係相處正就是我所需要的，這樣才能真正體悟兩件我生命中重要的事情：

1. 我與信賴的上帝之間的關係。

2. 爸媽與患有嚴重心智障礙姐姐之間的關係。

這兩件重要的事情改變了我，還是以一種我絕不會選擇的方式改變了我（讓我變更好）。

瞭解我與信賴的上帝之間的關係

我的信仰建立在耶穌基督之上，我相信兩千多年前，祂做為神來到世上，生命無瑕但卻得承受殘酷的死亡，為的就是要贖回過錯，那些祂就早已知道我日後會犯下的一切過錯。

然而，祂為我死在十字架上，這是屬實的，但這真理卻沒有真正進到我的內心與靈魂裡。我的生活反倒是因為其他事務分心了，連造物主都被遮蓋。

出乎意料的是，我與另一個人建立的親密關係，才讓我開始徹底明白什麼是無條件的愛。

正是因為這段關係，我才真正體會到努力愛一個人但卻不被理解的沈重感。

可是，每次我問上帝為何讓這些事情發生的時候，我也才開始看見其實我對上帝的態度也是如此。

我相信上帝從一開始就不曾停止愛我們，祂知道我們會跌倒犯錯，但卻還是選擇差派祂的兒子來為我們受苦受死。祂渴望我們持續與祂建立關係，這樣我們就能夠稍微明白祂對我們的愛是有多麼深、多麼廣。

可是，我們遇到困難時，往往選擇逃避上帝，轉向尋求讓我們分心的人事物尋求慰藉。

瞭解爸媽與患有嚴重心智障礙姐姐之間的關係

進入到艱苦的關係裡後，也讓我想起父親對我說過的話，有關我那位有著嚴重心智障礙的姐姐，父親說姐姐這一輩子都不會明白爸媽與家人為了照顧她承受了多少。

但，我的爸媽還是選擇愛她、呵護她，那是大多數人可能都不會選擇的一條道路。

為何我會需要這幾段很是苦痛的關係

我明白每個人的際遇和故事都不盡相同，但對我來說，這些痛苦的關係經歷正是我需要的，因為可以讓我看清，自己並不只是個受害者，同時也是那個讓自己受苦的人。

我們往往會很難真正理解，我們的罪如何傷害一位如此愛我們的上帝，直到我們也被愛傷害後才會明白。

然而，因為忍受這些苦痛，倒是幫助我對愛有了更深的認識。

愛就是去做對對方最有益的事，且往往得付出的代價就是被誤解。

儘管日後我還是會跌倒，但我每一天都會盡力去愛。我相信，上帝要我面對這處境的原因，正是要我成為祂希望我成為的模樣。

Our Most Painful Relationships is Exactly What We Needed

A number of years ago I went through a really painful relationship. 

My personal experience was years of enduring through:

- a person never recognizing any of their fault, and instead putting the blame on you 

- a person who clearly wanted to control every situation

- a person who made me feel like I was never enough

Sure, there were glimpses of joy in the relationship but overall, being in that relationship definitely always felt difficult. 

It's hard to articulate the amount of wear it had on my mental and spiritual health. But it almost felt like walking through a dark valley, every week. 

That relationship abruptly ended one day and life moved on. 

Fast forward a bit later, I found myself in another strikingly similar relationship.

The only difference now is the perspective I have.

In the first relationship, I questioned almost every day why God allowed this relationship to happen. 

In the second, I started to truly appreciate the Valley I found myself in again. Not for any masochistic self-deprecating reasons. 

But because only through these relationships, I started to better understand why the most painful relationships I've had were exactly what I needed to really understand two important things in my life:

1. the relationship I have with the God I believed in. 

2. the relationship my parents always had with my sister with a severe mental disability

And these two things changed me (for the better) in a way I never would have chosen for myself. 

Understanding my relationship with the God I believed in

My faith is in the person of Jesus Christ, who over 2000 years ago, I believe came to this world as a deity who lived a perfect life but died a heinous death to pay for every transgression He knew I would do against Him one day. 

But often the reality of His death for me on the Cross never really sinks deep into my heart and soul. Instead, my life is filled with other distractions that take precedence over my Creator.  

But ironically it's through the close relationship I have with this other person, have I begun to really understand what it means to love unconditionally. 

It's through this relationship, have I begun to really feel the weight of having to endure through being misunderstood while trying to love someone.  

But every time I questioned why God allows this to happen, I started to see how I do the same to God. 

The reality I believe in is God never stopped loving us from the beginning. He knew we would fall and sin, He chose to send His son to die a cruel death for us, and He desires for us to continue to be in relationship with Him so we would understand a little more the magnitude of His love for us.

And yet instead of running to God in our difficulties, we often choose to run to distractions instead to find solace for our troubles. 

Understanding the relationship my parents always had with my sister with a severe mental disability

Being in a very difficult relationship reminded me of something my Dad said well of my sister with a severe disability. She will live a life where she won't ever understand what my parents or family had to endure to care for her.

And yet my parents chose to love and care for her in a way most people probably would not have chosen to. 

Why I needed these painful relationships

I recognize every circumstance and every person's story is different. But for me, these painful relationships were what I needed because it helped me to see I was never just the victim. I was also the very perpetrator I felt victim to.

Often, it's hard to really understand how our sin hurts a God who loves us so much, unless love also hurts us. 

But through enduring this pain, it's helped me to have a deeper understanding of what love really is.

Love is doing what's best for the other person, often at a cost of being misunderstood.

And while I will continue to fail and can only do my best each day to love, I believe God has me exactly where I am because that's also exactly what I needed to become the person God wanted me to be.